Breakups suck, period. Whether you’re trying to politely dump your current boyfriend, crushing on someone you can’t have, or trying to recover after being dumped, the process is painful. Keep reading for advice on how best to go about breaking up with someone and how to recover when it happens to you.
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How to Dump Him
The worst part about a breakup is that many times, the decision isn’t mutual. If you’ve realized that he just isn’t the man for you, the worst thing you can do for him is to drag the relationship on and on. The longer you stay with him, the worse it will be for him in the end. When you’ve decided it’s time to break up, there are ways to let him down easy (unless, of course, he’s done something terrible to you in which case you don’t need to be nice!).
Nobody likes to hurt another person’s feelings, especially if that person is someone we care about. First of all, you need to do have “the talk” in person. Never dump a boyfriend through voicemail or text message. Sit down with him or go on a walk. When you break the news, he’s going to want to know why. Be honest with him, but don’t blame him. Blaming him might turn this conversation into a fight, which is the last thing you want.
As realization sinks in, give him some time to think. Don’t say, “I’m sorry” over and over if he starts to cry. When he’s ready to talk, listen to him but don’t let him talk you into trying to work things out. Be firm and tell him you’ve made up your mind. If he wants to remain friends, great. Let him know exactly what that means (no friends with benefits). If he doesn’t want to be your friend anymore, respect his wishes and don’t get upset.
If you’ve been with this guy for a long time – especially if the two of you live together – he’s going to have a hard time getting over you. What you definitely don’t want to do is to destroy his ego in the process of dumping him. Here are some tips to let him down easy:
- Don’t insult him or bring up past problems
- If you’ve found another man, don’t compare the two of them
- Do not swear or use abusive words
- DO NOT ask a friend or relative to break up with him for you
- Don’t break up on an important date like an anniversary, birthday, or holiday. It will prevent him from enjoying that day in the future
- If he has cheated on you, resist the urge to get even. It won’t solve the problem.
- Don’t break up with him at one of his favorite places
- Be alone with him when you have “the talk”
- Be straightforward and positive when you talk with him, but try to avoid being overly blunt
Getting over a Guy you Can’t Have
There are lots of reasons why you can’t be with a certain guy. He might have moved to another country, he might be in love with someone else, he might even be married. Whatever the reason, if you can’t be with him, it’s time to move on.
The first step is to act rationally and acknowledge the reason you can’t be with him. Admitting this to yourself is necessary in order for you to move on. This might sound stupid, but the next step is to start a new hobby. Learning a new skill takes time, energy, and concentration. Getting back into an old hobby is enjoyable and will give your mind something to focus on.
This is the hardest part: stop talking to him. Don’t text him or call him. Don’t stare at his Facebook page (don’t be a creeper). If he tries to contact you, give him a polite refusal. That being said, it’s okay to let yourself cry. Don’t bottle up those feelings. Just let it out. Believe me, you’ll feel much better. When you’ve composed yourself, try to put that energy into another task like working out or recording your thoughts in a diary or blog.
The last step is to actively seek someone new. Get back into the dating scene.
Recovering After he Dumps You
No man is worth being depressed over! Instead of feeling like you aren’t good enough, you need to get into the mindset of “I was just too good for him.” It might not sound possible at the time of the breakup, but after allowing yourself to grieve, you’ll soon be on your way to finding someone even better than him.
You may be having a particularly hard time getting over him if:
- The breakup happened with no closure
- You’ve been moping around and listening to depressing music
- You haven’t been dating other guys
- You often daydream about your past with him
- You see him too much
- You talk about him with your friends
- You’re talking to him too much
- You still have some of his stuff
- Your friends talk about him to you
- You’re afraid to be alone
Boost your mood and self-esteem by listening to these songs:
- I Look so Good Without You by Jessie James
- The King of Wishful Thinking by Newfound Glory
- Goodbye by Kristina DeBarge
- You Don’t Mean Anything by Simple Plan
- Don’t Want you Back by Backstreet Boys
- Someday’s Gone by All-American Rejects
- I Can do Better by Avril Lavigne
When you’ve finished grieving, the first step is to admit to yourself that he didn’t feel the same way about you that you felt about him. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out that way. Don’t take it personally. We can’t control who we love. Look into a mirror and be honest with yourself. Identify how wounded you are and affirm that you’ve begun the healing process. Reflect on the relationship and identify mistakes you may have made to prepare you for your next relationship.
Like I mentioned earlier, don’t mope around. Don’t spend your time daydreaming about him and don’t dwell on what he said. Instead, hang out with friends (not mutual friends!!), explore the town on your own, and say yes if another guy asks you on a date.
Try to avoid seeing him or running into him and do not hope that he will come back to you. If you need support, go to family, friends, or even a counselor – anyone but him! It takes time and effort to overcome heartbreak. There are going to be days when you won’t want to leave the house, but the above tips should help you get back on your feet. Click here for more advice on getting over a breakup.
If you have a crush on someone else, pursue him! Focus on this new guy to keep your mind off the breakup. Click here to learn if he’s interested in you.