Breakups are hard, especially if you’re coming out of a long-term relationship, the breakup was one-sided (as they often are), or if the two of you were living together. Divorces are even worse, and can be the most painful experience in a person’s life. After a breakup, you have two options: 1. try and get her back (not advisable in most situations) or 2. let her go and move on.
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Getting her back
Your chances of getting her back depend on the situation that caused the breakup. Consider the reasons/situation that made her dump you. If another man is involved, you might want to let her go. There’s always the option of trying to sabotage her new relationship, but do you really want to sink to that level? Click here if you’re in a relationship and you’re thinking about dumping her.
If the breakup was caused by something you did, you have a chance to show her how much effort you are willing to put into the relationship. But remember, getting an ex girlfriend or ex wife back is a long, frustrating, and painful process. Be prepared to wait.
Try to figure out if she’s still attracted to you – if the answer is yes, you have a good chance you can get her back. If she doesn’t seem to be attracted to you anymore, you’ll just have to do something to make yourself more attractive!
Things you should never do when going after an ex:
- Threaten her – this just isn’t cool. Plus, she might call the cops.
- Beg/plead – this behavior will make you seem weak and desperate, definitely qualities that turn girls off
- Contact her the very next day or week – instead, give her space and time so that she starts to miss you
- Chase after her or call her constantly
Once you’ve decided you really want to try and get back together with your ex, the first thing you need to do is take a step back and be patient. Don’t contact her. Give her space. If you live together, move out immediately. The distance between the two of you will allow her to start missing you and she might just come back on her own.
Eventually, she will contact you to check on how you’re doing. WAIT for her to initiate contact (this may take months). She probably expects you to be moping and sad, thinking about her. DO NOT give her the satisfaction of knowing you miss her!
When she does finally contact you, this is the time for you to renew pursuit. But while you’re waiting, you’re going to have lots of free time and extra money to spend on yourself. The single most important thing you can do when trying to get an ex back is to improve yourself. She needs to see that you are thriving. Go to the gym, find a new hobby, make new friends, etc.
When she asks how you’re doing, don’t answer immediately. If she calls, call her back in a few hours. If she texts you, wait between ten minutes and one hour to respond. If you’re in the middle of work or an activity, wait until you’re completely finished to respond and then tell her what you were doing. This behavior will show her that you have priorities and that she isn’t at the top of the list.
When you do respond, tell her about all the productive things you’ve been doing. DO NOT tell her that you’re sad or miserable (even if you are). If you’ve gone on a few dates, mention it. Women always want what they can’t have, after all. She’ll start thinking about the reasons other women are interested in you.
The final step is to ask her out. After you’ve been talking for a few days, be direct and just ask her on a date. Instead of rehashing the past, make it seem like a first date; this will hopefully renew the excitement between the two of you. Try not to become physically intimate during the first date. Start slowly and treat it like a brand new relationship.
Letting her go
You may have heard the saying “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” but it’s not a bad idea to wait awhile before you start to date again. Finding a “rebound” hookup will only make you feel hollow – and no girl wants to be a rebound.
Happiness comes from within, not from without. Never let a woman define your happiness. That being said, there are lots of things you can do with your newfound free time after a breakup to find inner happiness. Spend time discovering who you are or make a brand new you! Solidify your inner happiness, strength, and confidence before you go after another girl.
If you find yourself feeling blue, head to the gym. Not only will exercise make you feel accomplished and release endorphins, it will also increase your confidence and make you more physically attractive to women. Believe me, the gym is so much better than moping over a box of cookies. Click here for Oprah’s advice on getting over a breakup.
Other than exercise, you can spend your time making new friends (preferably male), exploring a new hobby or getting back into an old one, learning a new skill (like a foreign language), or taking classes. These activities will give you something to focus on and will hopefully keep you from dwelling on the breakup. As a bonus, igniting an old passion or finding a new passion will make you a more well-rounded and intelligent man.
DO NOT isolate yourself when you’re feeling down. Even if you don’t want to, spend time with friends or go out and explore to meet new friends. Surrounding yourself with positive people is a great way to lift your spirits. As you continue to “go through the motions” of a person who is confident in himself, you will start to feel like that man you want to be, a man who doesn’t dwell on the past. In other words: fake it ‘til you make it!
Things you shouldn’t do after a breakup:
- Keep things she left at your place
- Go to the same restaurants/hang-out spots
- Watch the shows you two watched together
- Hang out with her friends
Things you should do after a breakup:
- Explore new areas and restaurants
- Buy a new wardrobe or get a haircut to change your look
- Be patient and let yourself cry if you need to
When you find that you’re ready to get back into the dating scene, go into it with the goal of having fun. Because you’ve either been married or in a serious relationship, you can be selective with the type of women you pursue.
You should have a better idea this time of what type of women you like and what type of women you don’t like. Don’t waste time flirting with a girl you know you won’t get along with in the end! Learn how to talk to women here. Be confident, let the new and improved you shine, and you’ll find a woman much better than the last one!
Going through a divorce or breakup is painful, but it’s something almost everyone goes through. It might seem impossible to recover at first, but don’t worry, it gets easier with time. Spend time and money on yourself, have fun, and do whatever makes you happy. Don’t worry about anyone else and remember that no person is worth being depressed over. I hope the above advice has given you a push in the right direction to recovery. And if you’re trying to get her back: GOOD LUCK!
While I agree that after a breakup, space is needed, I would have definitely been more receptive had my ex contacted me and asked to discuss the possibility of salvaging the relationship. The idea that “eventually she’ll contact you” if the same pablum that we women are told..(no contact)…I did the breaking up but because of conflict of long term commitment.. (He mentioned it but never followed thru; Part of our “plan” was to get married) he stated that he wasn’t going to “cry and beg” me to come back (which I would never have wanted.. His esteem was always important to me). When I found out he was contacting an old “interest” I lost interest completely. So it might be in your best interest to contact or at least show some intent if you want her back.
Hi Mary,
I absolutely agree with you. My female friends and I all lament the lack of MEN in the world today. If you want us – come and get us. Why must we be the ones to take the first step? Yes it may be a social construct that men should do the chasing – with good reason. We’re all professional, strong-minded, strong-willed women and we all agree that when it comes to relationships – we’re old-fashioned. One of my girlfriends almost divorced her husband because she was the one doing all the chasing – ALL the time! I feel exactly the same in my marriage – I’m always chasing my husband, even in the bedroom; always having to make decisions, make the first move, start the conversation… yet I must still be submissive, lady-like and gentle… and wait for him to make the move… until when? Wait until I’m six-feet under?!? Men must be MEN. If you want her back – go get her back, darn it. Be a MAN. Open the door for her and slap her bum on the way in. Give her space to work the room at a function but when she interacts with a guy, go over and put your arm possessively around her waist. Show you’re a bit jealous. Woo her with flowers; chocolates; slow dances and candles – after you take her skydiving. Tell her she’s beautiful when she’s just woken up. Tell her she’s sexy when she’s wearing those ugly grey sweats and slippers and her hair’s a mess. It’s not difficult. Just Plug In!
It depends on why a couple broke up. If a man and a woman are incompatible then it is best to let go. If someone leaves when there was no serious issue esp if the couple has been together for years , then the person who was dumped should not even try to win the person back. If the couple are compatible but broke up becos of a misunderstanding or change of circumatances , then it is worth trying to salavage. Who should make the first move ? That is the most difficult question. Imo the dumper should make the first move and the dumpee should not make it too hard for the dumper.